
An Invitation To The Ball 

HARRY L NEWTON'S 

One- Act Comedy Sketches, 

Monologues and 
)ramatic 





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Family Secrets Monologue 

Izzy's Vacation A Summer Episode 

Keep Your Eye On The Ball 

Comedy Sketch 

Meet My Wife A Comedy Drama 

The Spirit of Captain Kidd Comedy 

Two Girls And Him Comedy Sketch 

What Every Woman Thinks She Knows 
Suffragette Monologue 



M. WITMARK & SONS, 
Witmark Building 144-146 West 37th Street, New York 



AN INVITATION TO THE 
BALL 

A Comedy Sketch. 

By 
HARRY L. NEWTON 



Copyright 1913 by M. WITMARK & SONS 
International Copyright Secured 



M. WITMARK & SONS 

Publishers 

Witmark Building, 144-146 W. 37th Street, New York 

CHICAGO SAN FRANCISCO LONDON PARIS 

Professional performing rights reserved 






Note. — The musical specialties may be eliminated 
and singing numbers substituted, if so de- 
sired by the performers. 

AN INVITATION TO THE BALL. 

Note. — The acting rights of this Sketch are ex- 
pressly reserved by the Publishers, to whom 
all professionals who wish to produce it 
should apply. Amateur representation may 
be made without such application and with- 
out charge. 



Qdb 34007 

fUlJ 



CHARACTERS. 

Mose Johnson A Colored Servant 

Birdie Bridsell Daughter of His Master 

Time. — The present. 

COSTUMES. 

Mose Johnson — White linen suit, much too large 
for him; change on stage as described. 

Birdie Bridsell — Handsome evening gown. 
Change to Fencing Costume, fancy short skirt, silk 
stockings, patent-leather, high-heeled shoes, etc. 

PROPERTIES. 
Fencing foil for Birdie. Bell on table. Large 
square envelope, containing card of invitation to a 
ball. Coins. Large parrot cage. Large razor. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 
As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the 
audience, R. means right hand; L., left hand; C, 
centre of stage ; R. 2 E., entrance at right, down 
stage; L. 2 E., entrance at left, down stage. 



DIAGRAM OF STAGE.. 

D.R.C. C.O. D.L..C 



ft.z.e. l 

J 
J 



I 



V.2.C , 

V. - 



AUDIENCE,, 

L. i. E. — Left first entrance. 
R. i. E. — Right first entrance. 
L. U. E. — Left upper entrance. 
C. — Centre of stage. 
R. C. — Right centre of stage. 
L. C. — Left centre of stage. 

C. p.— Centre door. 

D. R. C. —Door right centre. 
D. L. C— Door left centre. 



AN INVITATION TO THE BALL 



Scene. — Handsome parlor. Table and chairs 
R. C. Hand bell on table. At rise of curtain Bir- 
die runs on from L. 2 E. to table R. C, and rings 
bell, calling:) 

Birdie — Mose — oh, Mose! 

(Mose appears in Center Door; yawns, stretches, 
etc.) 

Mose — Did you ring, Miss? 

Birdie — Yes, but you must have missed a ring 
or two. 

(Mose makes no answer, but closes eyes and 
leans lastly against scenery.) 

Birdie (Runs to him, shakes him, then grabs 
him by the arm and drags him down the stage) — ■ 
What do you mean by falling asleep, sir? I have 
something important to talk to you about. 

Mose — Then you'll have to see me during my 
office hours, Miss. 

Birdie — And when are your office hours? 

Mose — From fourteen-forty to fifteen-ninety on 
the thirty-eighth of every other month. (Yawns 
and closes eyes.) 

Birdie (Grabs and shakes him) — Wake up! 
Wake up ! I want to talk. 



AN INVITATION TO THE BALL 



Mose — I never saw a woman that didn't. 

Birdie — I have an invitation to attend a masque 
ball this evening*, and you must accompany me. 

Mose — Go 'long, chile; I never mix with no 
white trash. 

Birdie (Laughs)— Well, nobody will ever know 
the difference, Mose. You don't need any mask. 
You can go just as you are, you know. 

Mose (Facial business; then) — Look here, Miss, 
my face ain't no masquerade. My face is a classic 
countenance. 

Birdie — Don't get angry, Mose — 

Mose (Interrupting) — My face grew on me, and 
I've watched it grow for a good many years, and I 
don't allow nobody to talk about my face — to my 
face — while I'm face to face with them. 

Birdie — I apologize, Mose. Now, see here. 
(Pulls square envelope from front of dress, takes 
a card from it.) I have an invitation for the 
masque ball, but I have no escort. 

Mose — I ain't got no money, either. 

Birdie— Money ? I didn't say anything about 
money. I said "Escort" Don't you know what 
an escort is? 

Mose — Certainly I does. 

Birdie — Well, what is it? 

Mose — An s-court is — is a — is a — is a place 
where you go when you steal chickens. 

Birdie — Nonsense! An escort is one who takes 
another to some place. 






AN INVITATION TO THE BALL 



Mose — That's what I said. I knew there was a 
policeman in it. 

Birdie- — No, no! An escort is a gentleman that 
takes a lady to an entertainment of some kind. 
Now I want you to be my escort. 

Mose — Oh, go on. Stop your trifling. 

Birdie — I'm not trifling. 1 am in earnest 

Mose— Who am going to put up the dough? 

Birdie — Dough ? Oh, you mean money ! Why, 
it is always customary for the escort to furnish the 
dough. 

Mose — De escort has no dough at present in his 
kitchen. (Turns pockets inside out.) 

Birdie (Laughs)— Then in that case I will sup- 
ply the money. Here is twenty-five cents. (Hands 
him a quarter.) 

Mose (Takes it doubtfully) — You ain't robbing 
yourself, are you ? 

Birdie — Oh, no ; I have plenty of money ! 

Mose (Aside) — Til bet she's a life insurance com- 
pany by the way she spends her money. 

Birdie (Referring to invitation curd in her hand) 
— Well, Mose, there are several points regarding 
this ball that I want to explain to you. It does not 
cost any admission, but the supper will be charged 
for. 

Mose — Oh, I don't care for that ! I got plenty of 
money. (Exhibits coin.) How much am de sup- 
per? 

Birdie — Let me see. (Looks at card.) Oh, yes, 



AN INVITATION TO THE BALL 



here it is : "Supper will be served at two dollars 
per plate." 

Mose — -Two dollars per plate! (Looks at coin 
again.) Den I reckon we'll have to take a cup and 
saucer. 

Birdie— Nonsense ! 

Mose — No, twenty-five cents. 

Birdie — You will also be expected to exhibit your 
choicest wardrobe. 

Mose — I ain't got nothing but a folding bed. Does 
it say that on that card ? 

Birdie — Certainly. Look for yourself. (Hands 
him card.) 

Mose ( Takes card and turns it upside down, side- 
ways, etc.) — By golly, you're right! Look here. 
What's those letters down at de bottom of de card 
mean? 

Birdie (Looks at card) — Oh, you mean R. S. 
V. P.? 

Mose — Yes. 

Birdie — Those letters are taken from the French, 
and signify, if you can't attend, send regrets. 

Mose — Oh, go on ! Dem letters ain't French. 

Birdie — What are they, then? 

Mose — Dey are just plain nigger — that's all. 

Birdie (Laughs) — How do you make them out to 
be "Just Plain Nigger" ? 

Mose— Do dey say "R. S. V. P."? 

Birdie— Yes, that's what they say. 

Mose — Den dey means "Razors Stored in Vest 
Pockets"— that's all. 



AN INVITATION TO THE BALL 



Birdie (Laughs) — All right. Have it your way. 
I'm going to prepare myself for the ball. Wait here 
till I return. ( Runs off R. 2 E.) 

Mose — Ain't women the mischief, though ! 
MONOLOGUE. 

You know, there are two kinds of women you 
should be careful of : Those who are married, and 
those who are not. The other day I thought I 
should like to get married. You see, the big de- 
partment stores have a new idea. They have opened 
a wife department; anybody can go there and get 
a cheap wife — I mean a wife cheap. You go in the 
store and the floorwalker asks you what you want. 
You tell him you would like to have a wife. Then 
he points with his finger at the wife department, and 
you go in and look for a bargain. The wives are 
all tagged and some of them are "It." 

The first one I looked at I thought she was a 
bird, but, by golly, when I got close to her she was 
a hen! I was afraid she would always be laying 
for me, so I wouldn't take her. She was awful tall 
and skinny. She was so tall she told me she had 
to use opera glasses to see if her hat was on straight. 

But the next one was a bunch of peaches. But, 
my goodness, she was fat! She was marked: 
"Special Bargain — Reduced from Five-ninety-eight 
to Four-ninety-six" 

I didn't know whether that meant pounds ck dol- 
lars. I said to the salesman: "My gracious, but 
she is awful fat !" He says : "You're mistaken ; 
don't you see the sign says that she has been re- 



10 

AN INVITATION TO THE BALL 



duced from five-ninety-eight to four-ninety-six ?" 

"Ha," I says, "I don't want such a big bunch. 
Can't you show me something in a wife tied to- 
gether looser?" 

He says, "Sure. Over there are three old maids 
in one package. Price, twenty-five cents." 

By golly, that was a bargain ! He says : "Would 
you like to have them three old maids?" 

I says : "No, I don't think so. It is too much 
like buying cigars ; three for a quarter." 

He says : "It's just the same ; most all the men 
take a wife nowadays just like they buy a cigar. If 
the outside wrapper looks good, that's all they 
care." 

Well, I told the salesman that I thought I might 
buy the big party. I wanted to get my money's 
worth. The salesman asked me if I had ever bought 
goods of this store before, and I told him I had, 
but never bought a wife. 

He says: "Well, if you ain't satisfied with her 
when you get her home bring her back and we'll 
exchange her for you." 

I thought that was pretty good of him. Then he 
asked me if I would take her with me or have her 
sent. I told him he had better send her. She was 
too darn big for me to carry. So the next day 
four piano movers and a furniture van delivered 
her to me. My gracious, but she was a load ! But 
there is one good thing about her being so large. 
I am never lonesome when she is home. When 
she is in the house there is always a crowd. We 



11 

AN INVITATION TO THE BALL 



always have a big party when she is around. (Exit 
C.) ' 

(Enter Birdie in fencing costume from R. 2 E.) 

Birdie (Calls) — Mose! Mose! Where are you? 

(Mose enters C. He has a large parrot cage in 
his hand y in which is an old suit of clothes; stands 
center. Clothes must be old and very much dilapi- 
dated.) 

Birdie (Surprised) — Well, what in the world 
have you got there? 

Mose— What's it look like to you, a roast chick- 
en? 

Birdie — No ; it looks like a bird cage. 

Mose — Your eyes have grasped the true insignifi- 
cance, Miss Birdie. Dat am a bird cage. 

Birdie (Takes cage from his hand, opens door 
and takes out coat, lifts it up between thumb and 
finger) — My gracious ! What a piece of junk ! 

Mose — I didn't come here to have my clothes in- 
sulted. 

Birdie (Takes out vest, lifts it same way) — 
Mose, Fm ashamed of you. These clothes are not 
fit to wear to a dog fight. 

Mose — Well, we ain't going to a dog fight. 

Birdie — And this — (Lifts up coat)— this is a 
sight! You can't wear them clothes to this swell 
affair. 

Mose — Den I don't go — dat's all. 

Birdie — You shall go, but not in those clothes. 
Wait. I have an idea. (Lays fencing foil on table 
and exits for ivomaris clothing.) 



12 

AN INVITATION TO THE BALL 



Mose (Calls after her) — I got to have something 
more than an idea to dress myself in. 

(Re-enter Birdie with woman's clothes, hat and 
veil.) 

Birdie — Here we are. Now, you take off your 
coat and vest. 

Mose (Interrupts)— Is that all I take off? 

Birdie — You do just as I tell you, understand? 

Mose — I won't. I ain't going to be no statue for 
nobody. 

Birdie (Throws clothes down, runs to table, picks 
up foil, jumps in front of him, and thrusts point 
in his face) — Do as I tell you, or take the conse- 
quences. 

Mose (Pulls large razor from his pocket, -flour- 
ishes it in her face) — R. S. V. P. Which means in 
plain nigger: "Back up, or I'll cut you down to a 
whisper." 

Birdie (Hits him on his shin with foil; he drops 
razor with a yell) — I'll teach you how to behave. 

Mose (Rubbing his shin) — Coward! To strike 
a colored gent on de shin bones. 

Birdie — Then behave yourself. Are you going to 
put on these clothes ? 

Mose — Well, I guess yes. 

Birdie — That's a good guess. (Throws down foil 
and picks up dress, throws it to him) — Here, put 
that on. 

Mose (Picks skirt up, looks it over, laughs) — Gee, 
that's funny! 

Birdie — What's funny? 



13 

AN INVITATION TO THE BALL 



Mose — That thing ain't got no suspenders. 

Birdie — It doesn't have to have. 

Mose — Well, it does with me. It looks mighty 
suspicious to me. (Steps into skirt with one foot 
and leg, then stops and looks all about.) 

Birdie — Now, what's the matter ? 

Mose — I can't find the other leg. 

Birdie — A dress skirt hasn't any legs. Put it on 
over your head. 

Mose (Steps out of skirt and then puts it on over 
his head; laughs) — Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! 

Birdie (Impatiently) — Now what's the trouble? 

Mose (Laughs) — I done got both feet in one leg 
— that's what's the matter. (Goes to take a step, 
steps on front of skirt. Business of trying to keep 
from falling. Finally straightens up.) 

Birdie — Now, there you are. 

Mose — Yes, I guess I am. 

Birdie (Picks up hat) — Now put this on. 

Mose (Raises skirt and puts one hand in pants' 
pocket.) 

Birdie — Here, here, stop that ! 

Mose — Stop what? I guess I can get a chew o' 
tobacco if I want to. 

Birdie — Ladies don't chew tobacco. 

Mose (Puts skirt down, then business of arrang- 
ing dress, etc.) — This lady indulges in a chew of 
juicy plug or dere ain't a-goin' to be no lady. 

Birdie — You put on this hat. 

Mose (Takes hat and puts it on. Lady's voice 



14 

AN INVITATION TO THE BALL 



and manner) — Is my hat on straight? (Hat is on 
one side of his head.) 

Birdie — No. Put this in it. (Hands him hat 
pin.) 

Mose (Takes it and jabs it into his head; yells)- — 
Holy Moses ! 

Birdie — Don't mind a little thing like that. 

Mose (Looks all about) — Where is it? 

Birdie — Where is what? 

Mose — My powder rag. 

Birdie (Laughs) — What in the world do you 
want of a powder rag? 

Mose — I want you to understand that I'm a real 
lady, and I got to have a powder rag. 

Birdie (Picks up a cloth from table) — Here's 
one. 

Mose (Business of powdering face)— My, what 
a refreshment that is ! 

Birdie (Laughing) — Who in the world did you 
ever see use a powder rag ? 

Mose — My gal Sue. She has a lovely com- 
plexion, and it's all her own, too. 

Birdie— How do you know it is ? 

Mose — I was with her when she bought it. (Busi- 
ness of putting on veil.) Did you ever notice the 
different way different girls in different cities cross 
a muddy street ? 

Birdie— No, I don't believe I have. 

Mose — Then I'll show you. A Boston girl goes 
across like this: (Walks very stiffly, taking little 
short steps across stage.) 






15 

AN INVITATION TO THE BALL 

Birdie— How does a Philadelphia girl walk? 

Mose — A Philadelphia girl never crosses a muddy 
street. 

Birdie — Why not? 

Mose — She walks so darn slow the street is dusty 
before she starts. 

Birdie — Then show me how a Chicago girl 
crosses a muddy street. 

Mose (Picks up skirt above the knees, toes in, 
and takes long steps across stage, working jaws as 
if chewing gum.) 

Birdie (Laughs) — I see you are a good judge of 
characters. Now, Mose, we will be asked to sing 
something to-night; suppose we rehearse something 
now. 

Mose— -We'll sing about my gal. 

(Introduce Song for Finale.) 



AUG 5 \m 

DUMONT'S CLEVER BURLESQUES 

On Famous Shakespearean Plays. 
Each and every one a humoresque travesty on the 
original work — full of ludicrous situations and lines 
contagious with laughs. 

HAM (OM) LET, PRINCE OF DUNKIRK. 
A burlesque for ten males and two females in one 
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We might devote paragraph after paragraph in com- 
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Price, 50 Cents, Postpaid. 

JULIUS SNEEZER, THE SNOOZER. 

A burlesque in one act on "Julius Caesar," for six or 
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SKY-LARK; OR, THE MERCHANT OF 

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A burlesque in one act for six or more males and 
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An excruciatingly funny burlesque on this world- 
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Price, 50 Cents, Postpaid. 

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A burlesque in one act on "Richard the Third" for 
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A burlesque in one act for seven or more males and 
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A burlesque on Shakespeare's tragedy of "Othello," 
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